Mentally in an Ideal World, My LAST Finals, and Home for Chistmas

The mind is a beautiful thing. Really. If you truly think about it in a biological sense it's true. A solid mass made of grey and wihte matter that not only controlls the major organ systems of your body, but lets one think, act, feel, and other emotions/senses that are endless. It's no wonder why the brain is the top mystery among medical experts. I'm not here writing about brain capacities or some other medical mumbo jumbo. Quite frankly I hate the brain, neuro is not my favorite sysytem, and I'm not going to write phrases upon phrases of the NS (nervous system) becasue I think I need a break from medicine, at least for a little bit. Back to the original statment: The mind is a beautiful thing. Mentally we can dream of an ideal world...I don't know about you, but I can daydream....ALOT. In my daydreams, I dream about reality, not some cock and BS story, but ligit reality. It's about nursing, it's about what I might be doing with my friends later on in the week, heck it might be about a person I just met. However, whatever "reality" I create in my mind, it always falls short of what actually happens. Maybe it's becasue my expectations are too high or maybe its just that fact that my daydreams really are cock and BS, whatever the reason, compared to what is actually out in the world, the world in Mary's head seems quite nice. I think it has to do alot with my expectations; always setting the standard above what I think it should be, and when that expectation isn't reached it feels like a set back. I've come to learn though that even though with the ideal world I paint in my head, it IS okay with what reality throws at me. Sure it may not be so pretty at times, and frustration can come into play, but it WILL be okay...trust is such a key factor in all of this...
On a shorter note, I took my LAST FINALS EVER IN NURSING and it feels soooooooooo good!!! I can not be more thankful for my study group and other things that got me through such a tough and challenging semester! And I'm home for Chirstmas, which is a beautiful thing.

Good Little Things

Life is full of things. The most beautiful things in life are the little things; you know the small things that make us smile. St. Therese of Liseux held this philosophy, that it is the little things we do that make great things. Sure people may not notice them, but they're not supposed to. Think about it. Small random acts of kidness or seeing the small things that God places in our lives is truly beautiful. Today, I stepped back and looked at the little things in my life; heck in what happened today. It can be anything. Seen a friend that you haven't talked to in awhile, maybe you got extra foam on your latte and you didn't even ask for it; a good grade on a test; a heartfelt conversation;the outfit you're wearing; the spare change you gave to the poor; helping a friend; just being yourself; seeing your friends acting like themselves and loving them for it. The list is endless. I actually thought about making a list, but I realized it would be way too long for this blog entry and maybe I could even start another blog with that list. St. Therese is one of my fave saints ever, and I hold her philosophy close to my heart, esepcially when it comes to work and studying. Sure I may not have the highest grades, and I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything great or significant in nursing, but I look back at the little things that I have done, and it brings me much peace and adds to humilty, which is goal I long to strive for. Living in humility lets us shine and no one may notice it, but that's okay. I would rather be the unsung hero in life, then have the whole earth sing my praises.

Frustations and Turst

Thanksgiving Break can not come soon enough...I think everyone on campus is pretty much in agreement...I think if I took a poll, pretty much everyone would be equal in someway or another by saying they are frustrated...and its the truth, whether it be a roomie issue, to a class issue, or just that fact that you might be sick of PSB and Erie, and you just want to high tail it out of here for awhile...it doesn't matter, everyone is frustrated in some way or another, including myself.
My Turst "Issues"
Apparently I have a bit of a turst issue...its nothing serious I guess, but then again....I totally get flustered over school work....to a point that its a bit obsessive....I practically flipped out last Monday, becasue it was quiz on top of test that I hadn't really studied alot for yet, I didn't feel prepared for either, and I hate that feeling...plus combine that with the issue of trying to work out an insurance claim for an accident that involved two of your really good friends and yourself, but hey you weren't driving, your best guy friend was...so it was like who does what...ect. plus mix in a trip to the ER becasue your other friend got whiplash.... all followed by a night at clinical with a dictator of a patient, with a phone call from your dad telling you that you are grounded...wtf...I'm 112 miles away from Pittsburgh...how can I be grounded?! The tears and cuss words soon followed...I was mad, I was sad, I was worried...it was a huge emotional blender...so I ended up venting over a pint of Ben and Jerry's with a friend, who basically said: Where's your trust at Mary? He was right...I lost of all it or a good bit of it in the mess up emotional smoothie that was going on...Where was my trust...it certainly wasn't in myself and it certainly wasn't in Jesus either, which is even more of a dissapointment than not being prepared for a test or a quiz...Continuing to down my Chunky Monkey, my friend pointed out: "Yeah, what's going on right now sucks...okay it sucks alot, but it will work out...God loves you, you're family loves you, even though it may not seem like it, and I love you...so just Turst that it will work out." And everything did work out...alot better than I ever thought possible. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our own drama, that we don't see the larger picture in front of us...Myself, I get lost in nursing world the majority of the time,and it's hard comming back from a challenging day/night at clinical, just wanting to talk to someone that actually might give two craps, that isn't on the floor with you....I can't expect those who aren't there to fully understand and I think that's why I get kind of ticked sometimes, especially on Monday nights....that's always the roughest transition....And it's okay to want that, but I know that everytime I have a rough night, I don't have to have an emotional meltdown, and I don't expect said friend to fix the "problems" in my life, our friendship isn't based on that, and I don't cling to him for just some kind words...it's deeper than that....our friendship is built on Turst, as is everyone of my friendships and my Trust always begins with Chirst, so He is at the center of my relationships and in the center of my life....
Hearts, hugs, n' Trust my friends....

Thoughts from my Pittsburgh Sofa

Happy Halloween kids! So I decided to come home for this Halloweekend, instead of hanging out at school at some party drinking out of an infamous red cup or cruising to Cleveland with some of my ofave chicas. It's just a much needed mini break away from Erie, the nursing program, and other things that have been driving me crazy. So I'm currently sitting on the couch watching Penn State play Northwestern, and atticipating trick-or-treaters, and they better start comming soon, or this bowl of peanut butter cups is about to be completley gone.
So, this problem of deciding between Erie and Pittsburgh has gotten somewhat better. I still don't kow where or what I will be doing, but after talking to my nurse mentor, it helped place some things realistically in perspective. I feel better about making a decision, even if it means staying in Erie for at least two years. There are alot of options being a new nurse and I plan on seeing what they are and picking the one that will meet my goals.
There's other things I want to write about, but I'm enjoying sitting on my sofa, with a bowl of peanut butter cups, a huge nursing book, and Penn State tying it up against Northwestern.Let's go State! Later loves, I'll be Behrend bound tomorrow morning....

Afterthoughts

Lately it seems that I have just too many thoughts...most of them random for sure, so I think I'm just going to break them down one by one : )

My Barista
The other day when I was walking to class with pumpkin latte in hand, I was thinking about my barista at starbucks. Okay he's not mine, I don't own him or anything like that, but him and I have a bond that is truly unbreakable. Each fall, Starbucks features a pumpkin spiced latte and it is truly one of my favorite things about this season. Since there is a starbucks a few blocks up form Hamot, I visit this place every Friday, before or after clinical and sometimes even both. Usually its after a long day of clinical, so I can catch up with my best friend who goes to Gannon and this is the time when my Barista is working. He always gives me extra foam and sometimes he sneaks a little whipped cream on top for me. It makes my freaking afternoon: for realzies. We never usually speak, although he knows who I am, and I'm pretty sure he knows my name; thank you Hamot ID badge. And in my perfect world it would always be a overcast fall day, my fave barista is working, and my pumpkin lattes are endless. Sadly, schedules change, snow will be falling soon, and there is only about one month left of my fave featured latte. Such is life and the only reason I thought of this was because my pumpkin latte was just not the same. Oh Barista boy...we come from two very different worlds: coffee and medicine, and the two don't really mix, except on friday afternoons : )

Attention Getter(s)
It's hard to find time between studying, clinical rotations, and endless paperwork, to mix with a social life. I find it hard dividing time between friends and my dedication to nursing. I skip dinners, don't call or txt back right away, give up weekends and other things, but I'm not focusing on my sacrifices, that was another entry anyway. I found myself having feelings for a guy...and they were feelings that I hadn't felt for any other guy before. Long story short: he doesn't feel the same way about me and he still doesnt't know how I feel/felt about him...and he probably never will...at least not right now. The point is...after giving it some thought....I wouldn't be a good person to be in a relationship anyway and I know I couln't give the attention needed for something like that. But who does get my attention....that was what I was wondering the other night. Who....and why....It comes down to this: it's my patient(s). The five to eight hours I spend at the hospital, are devoted to my patient, and eventually my multiple patients. They get my knowledge, they get my attention, and yes, they even get my love. For however many hours, minuets, seconds, they get it all. It's a kind of love that completley drains me of all my energy, and there are bad moments mixed in, but its worth it. I figured, I'm not married, I'm not engaged, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have to divide my attention, between my patients/studies and something like that. I don't know how...I struggle sometimes even with dividing that attention with my friends...and I know I haven't be the greatest of firends lately....so I could only imagine what that would do with a relationship. I am happy with this though, its not something to pitty over, I'm not mourning over a lack of social life or the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. Is it frustrating sometimes? Yes, but everything has a way of working out in the end.

End of Shift
This is it. I'm eight weeks away from the end of the semester and with 15 left in the spring semester, I'm about 23 weeks (excluding breaks) away from graduating with my first degree. This is the end of one shift and the beginning of the other.

As always, hearts, hugs, n' much prayers.....

No Stess, Just Restful Waters

I am so glad that is the end of the week....more so than usual. It was midterm week, as am sure many of my fellow Behrenders know. The first part of the week was jammed pack...three days of tests, tests, tests. Ugh, no matter what way I tried to look at, it just seeemed awful and some parts of it were. For the past couple of weeks, I've regressed into some bad habits of mine: not reading my notes, skimming through chapters, just bad study habits that I don't put up with; at least for myself. But I think I needed that...I needed something to kick me in the butt, and say "Hey Wilcher! What do you think you're doin'? What do you really want to do with this Nursing Degree?" In my moments of stress, I had one complete meltdown, which I think I completely freaked out my roomie, and I somehow managed to eat two dozen chocolate chip cookies by myself.
Pushing my nausea and tears aside, I began composing an email to one of my best friends and in the middle of it all, I saw how insignificant my worries were. I recalled a moment from night shift clinical on Monday: A patient transferred from the ICU, after a cardiac bypass surgery, who had a past history of a stroke, which left his right side of his body paralyzed. He was hard to understand when he spoke and I was worried that he was going to aspirate on his secretions, that he had a hard time coughing, due to his recent intubation and the extubation. He and any other patient that I have encountered, that are critically or chronically ill are truly and inspiration. Remembering my patient, his problems were greater than mine, and my worries even though they were troublesome, would eventually go away. My friend responded today saying "Stress is a horrible thing, but it does teach us not to be so sure of the affirmation from the world. God does not created stress, just restful waters."

It's true friends, we create stress and God guides us through it, even if we don't realize it. And in those moments of stress or doubt, there is usually something unexpectedly great thrown in.

The Seconds

I'm just going to come out and say it...its a freaking fantastic busy week. Its a week of seconds I suppose...
Lets start out with my favorite second in my life: my second home. In case you had any doubts my second home is infact the John M. Lilley Library, which is down hill from our tiny little apartment. I practically should donate money to it after I graduate, so they can name a shelf after me or something. I love the library, especially on days like today, when fall has finally arrived, and its grey, cloudy, and everything around you is completley saturated. As I slipped on my funky rain boots, well loved leather bomber jacket, and purchased my morning coffee today pre-Microbio lecture/lab, I took a whiff of that moist, dreary Erie air, and couldn't wait to visit my other home today. Go ahead and say it, I know you want to: NERD. Laugh if you must, I actually let out a chuckle or two, but there's something about fall in Erie and when it rains, the library is so warm and cozy. It's one of those rare moments where I actually can practically sit still for eight hours in one of those tall chairs and not break out every 5 minutes for a healthy dinner from the vending machine or call a friend on the phone, becasue I can't stand looking at another discription of some body organ or reading about the joys of bacteria. I get lost in the moment or rather my inner library world of studying and trying to comprhend meds, and various ways to take care of sick people. Secretly I LOVE every moment of it.
Yes it is one of those weeks where it's late nights and early mornings....I have abandoned my bed in exchange for the comfy couch in our living room. My fave blanket and pillow are sitting there and I greatly beckon the call at 3 in the morning, when I have to take a power nap or at the very least just close my eyes for a few brief moments to utter a prayer or two, which ends up leading to a somewhat deep sleep.
I'm never where I'm supposed to be I guess. Eating dinner in the apartement? Nope, you can probably catch me eating my packed dinner in the lib. Sleeping in me and Shannon's room? Nope check the living room. It's crazy, and stressful, but I don't mind. That's the thing I think I'm comming to realize. Sometimes you have to sacrafice the firsts in your life, maybe not completley, but at times in order to do what you want. Seconds may be in your life alot it seems, I'm sure you can think of some of your own. But when we live in these moments of late nights, skipped dinners, early mornings...there's a certain peace about it. You can feel a tug in your soul that screams HEY IM LIVING AND LOVING MY FREAKING LIFE! And even though in these second best moments, we may feel sadness because we're sacrificing a thing or two, somehow in the end, we catch a glimpse, even if it is just for a few breif moments that what we gave up, turned out in our favor, even if at first we didn't think it did. Okay...so back to the living room I go....
Hearts, hugs, n' prayers for ever kids....

The Best and the Worst

So huge cardiac exam today...didn't do as well as I thought...and didn't do as bad as I suspected...Turns out that scores are actually 10% higher that what orignally popped up in the end and the bonus exam might just push me towards the grade that I actually want to stay in range with...But still...I'm really angry at myself...I changed answers that I knew were right...I do it all the freaking time:second guess myself. My nursing mentor/instructor from last year always told me that I should never be afraid to have to wrong answer, but I shouldn't be afraid to have to right answer either. Being angry at yourself is the best and worst thing ever: you feel like crap, but you get this incredible drive...almost like you're high or something. Second guessing maybe my Achilles Heel to say the least, but maybe I know more than I give myself credit for, which brings up another topic.
I love to help people, always have and always will, but the thing that gets to me is when it's crunch time for an exam (aka the night before) it always so happens that I'm supposed to "school" people. I don't mind reviewing, hey it helps me too and bouncing off ideas off of each other is a great resource, but when someone hasn't started to review till the night before, it frustartes me. It makes me feel like they're sucking knowledge and enegry away, just to get through an exam, not to retain it for months or even years to come. Apparently the "reason" for my good grades, is not due to my intelligence, but do the fact that I study so much. I know I'm not the smartest one in the bunch, but when a comment like that is made, it kind of hurts. So then why do you seek me out for answers then? I never will brag about my grades...ever...I will never think I'm smarter than someone...ever...Everyone has potential. I just love to learn.
On another note...I miss my job greatly...being at clinical for two days a week doesn't even come close to what this past summer was like. It's hard being a student nurse again...I feel like I'm caught up in this college life/adult life situation, and I would much rather be in the adult life sometimes than stuck in college drama...but I do the best I can. I'm not an intern anymore, no matter how much I wish I could be....Anyway that's all for now...

Moments

In the moments when we feel weak, tired, sad, restless, alone, afraid, unsure, unsteady, shaken, broken...we shine. Our weaknesses are truly part of our strengths. We should never be afraid to make mistakes or mess up. We learn from them and at times we laugh at them. Never regret these moments ever.