This is It

Lately it just seems like nothing fits. My schedule doesn't fit into 5 days, let alone the hours I use to study. My perspective doesn't seem to be fitting with others lately. It kind of feels like I lost my place. Somehow in the three wekes I spent back in Pittsburgh and to return to school, make me feel, like I've lost sight of things. People have just been irking me. I'm homesick, I feel lonely, it just seems nothing is right. But then again there are moments that break up the tears that I feel like crying, and the times I haven't talked to anyone in hours. I realize that this (at least for me) is the last true college expiereince I will ever have. From here on out, when I return to school, I will be working in some shape and form. It feels so surreal, yet in 12 weeks it will be a reality. And maybe part of me isn't ready to face that reality. Maybe I just want to be the 21 and very soon 22 year old college student, who goes to taverns on staruday nights (and gets kicked out, becasue her friends aren't of age yet), drinking Miller Lite out of cans, staying up studying till I'm ready to puke nursing, going out at 3am for ice cream becasue you and your friend can't sleep, and lots of other things. And for now, I am. I think that I think realistically too much sometimes. It's not a bad thing, but it has a curse of its own. Amid all the stress and frustrations of returning to school, I can't help think: This is it. Really...after May it will be so different and wonderful and scarry at the same time. Part of me can't wait and the other part of me wishes that I were still 5, and the hardest choice I had to make was what juice box I wanted to drink for lunch. This is it.....And becasue this is it, I plan on just living like a 22 year old college student, who spends time in scrubs, drinking Miller Lite out of cans, going for ice cream runs at 3am, studying till I'm puking nursing....This is it

Beautiful Crazy Mess

Did you get caught up in the beautiful crazy mess that is life this week? It seems never ending doesn't it; the hours you put in, the worries that you have, we get caught up in a world that doesn't seem to exist for others, and only exists for others. We bitch, we moan, we complain, to a point that it seems it is all one huge bitch fest and its a weird competition of who has the most work, who has the most drama....who has the worst life. The reason behind all of this, is becasue I think we all want someone to just stop and listen....especially if they are not from "our world." Isn't it a bit ridiculous? Of course it is....some problems are meant to be heard, but some aren't. But then again it comes down to personal perspective as well....I think for Lent (as it quickly approaches) I'm going to give up complaining and try to empathise more with people....that and give up cursing...lately I've been having a mouth like a sailor at sea....
More so than ever, I feel at a distance from everything....classes, reading, and rotations are in full force, and I've been hitting the ground running since day one two weeks ago. I think that's why (when I can) I enjoy every single second that I spend with people outside of the class room setting...Yes, sitting in the library late night with no one to talk to at times is lonely and boring, but I tend to think what I'm gaining, instead of losing. The other day after clincial (it seems to becomming a habit of mine) I walk over to St.Josephs and pray in front of the statue of Our Lady...I promised Her and Chirst that I would give what ever it takes to become a good nurse for the sick and the poor, even if thta means giving up time with friends or even giving up friendship...I don't expect anything out of this in return, except the Grace of Jesus in the moments of doubt, insecurity, loneliess, fear, and inadequacy....I can drift from Grace, but somehow and usually in the unexpected moments I always return... Life is messy, but it's a crazy, beautiful one at that...

Sadness Leads to Joy

It was the first week back after Christmas break. The amount of work was overwhelming for sure, but that was to be expected. It was a week to set out to be a typical first week, full of reorientations to clinical settings and a large amount of reading and lab work. I did expect the craziness of life, but there were a full unexpected things along the way.
Casey
Casey was a girl in our nursing progam, although I should say woman, since she was one of the returning adult students. I wasn't close friends with her or anything like that, but when you have a small group of 30 some nursing students, you know who everyone is, regardless if you hang out with them outside of class or not. Casey died this week in a tragic car accident. It was rough on everyone, since it was a death not expected. I felt so wierd about it when I first heard the news. Okay, she's in ICU, on a vent;the ICU is not a death sentence and people can be weaned off vents, but then we found out she was brain dead and was being kept on the vent so her organs could be donated. It seemed so surreal...I wasn't going to go to the ICU at first; I figured we weren't close friends, this should be time that her family spends with her, while she spends her final moments on earth. After talking to a group of friends though we decided to go and pay our respects to her and her family. I'm glad I went, it gave me some peace while trying to deal with the loss of a classmate. I was upset for being upset, but it makes me realize that any second could be the last, that is truly God that has control in all our lives, and how much school and the ridiculous pettiness that some people feel is overconsuming, is actually beyond the word of absurdity. I can't imagine anything more horrifying than losing a child, or a parent, or a loved one....Time really is too short...
Mr Shirley
I can honestly say I don't remember Mr.Shirley too well, or at least at first I didn't. I was going to pick up books from the nursing office one day this week and I was informed that there was a card for me. I was like huh? The only cards I get are usually from my mom and those come in my mailbox. This card was different though. It was from Mrs. Shirley, who was the wife of one of the paitents I took care of back in October. Apparently Mr.Shirley enjoyed the care that I gave him and couldn't stop talking about me untill the point that he went in multi-system organ failure and had to be transferred from a general floor to the MICU, according to his wife. It was bitter sweet. Here was a man who I couldn't remember and his wife took the time to write this beautiful letter...I actually was upset becasue I couldn't remember who he was untill after I looked through my clinical portifolio, and after dealing with one loss this week, another one was just as unexpected....The only thing I found a bit odd about it was that he died at the end of October and his wife wrote me a couple of days ago...but then again, sometimes we don't need the answers for everything we recieve....It truly humbles me...
It was a week that was crazy, more so than usual, but of everthing that went on it just keeps putting things into place. Even within moments of sadness there can be moments of joy. I think mourning can lead us to place where we meet an unexpected joy and an unexpected love, that we didn't know.

Soulache

As humans, we all expireince aches and pains throughout our lives. Headaches, stomachaches, heartaches....We tend to fix the minor aches and pains with tylenol, advil, perhaps even a couple of antiacids, and that undenialbly delectable pint of ben and jerry's, which seems to be the cure all of any heart ache of the female population. Have you ever had a soulache though, and if you do, what do you do to treat it?
I think a soulache is far worse than any head, stomach or heartache than I ever had, becasue when my soul aches, it is my whole entire soul. It's happened on more than one occasion, dissapointment, feeling like I epic failed spirtually, when the day seems off....Many reasons seem to set it off, and maybe its becasue the soul is YOU...your life, everything that makes you beautiful, strong, weak, happy, sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, estatic...a combination of so many things, that is hard to describe, yet you know exactly what it is. You know how to describe the pain, but you don't know exactly where...you know you just hurt and you hurt bad. So what can you do...no pill can take away the pain, no amount of men in white coats can come up with a substance that will cure this kind of ache.
When your soul aches, you pray and your pray and your pray so much that you can hear God whisper in your heart. You cry for no unexplainable reason. and if you can think of a reason, you can't describe it. In the end, when the tears are ultimatley dried, and you can no longer utter a prayer out of your lips, you feel no more pain, but only love. This is loving till it aches and as Mother Theresa once said: "If love till it aches, there can be no more hurt, but only love." When your sould aches, its is aching for love. Love lost, love found, love that you wish was returned, love that wish you could understand....Your soul is love. It's the love that God has for you and its the love you have and give...In that center of everthing that is described in the second paragraph, is love.
We live everyday, so esentially we love everyday, even though we might not realize it. Or at least that's how I see it. Maybe we don't always fix our soulache, becasue maybe we don't always realize it,but when we do, the end result is a growth of some sort. I don't think there's a regress in these situations, only a progression.
Hearts, hugs, n' prayers for always....

Missing "Home"

I miss home and not Pittsburgh, but "home" as in Erie. I know it can be ghetto, wierd, and even has the highest unemployed in the state, but to me it's home. I guess it should feel that way since I spend nine months out of the year there and I hope to plan to spend at least a good solid year after I graduate with my nursing degrees. Laugh if you must, but I do enjoy it, maybe its becasue it's not Pittsburgh (even though I love my hometown) and probably because I am out on my own, and hopefully by May be starting my career there as well. I miss my friends. One thing I do not miss though is the awful cold and snowy weather...it certainly has been cold enough in Pittsburgh, and I am not looking forward to returning to at least a good two feet of snow. My friend told me today that the lake is starting to freeze over, so hopefully the lake effect snow will stay away for awhile. It should, one of the dreadful things living up there is cleaning off the car...especially on a clinical day...not cool at all.
As much as I love spending time with my family and hanging out at the homestead, it can be kind of boring. I don't live directly in the city of Pittsburgh (45 minutes if the traffic is good, which it usually isn't). I live next to a dairy farm and a nursing home, completley in the middle of nowhere. The snow plows don't reach our hill to about 8:30am and suddenly stop comming around 6:30 at night. It totally has put me in kind of a foul mood...I usually go to morning Mass when I'm home, followed by a trip to starbucks or panera and if I'm feeling brave to tackle morning rush hour traffic, I might just head into Oakland, which is one of my fave parts of Pittsburgh. Daily morning Mass starts at 8 and since the snow plow doesn't reach our hill till 8:30 I silently curse the township road workers for ruining my Jesus time, as well as missing the fresh hazel nut coffee being put out at panera, and any chance of getting downtown. One thing about Pittsburgh is that rush hour starts early and it is a HUGE pain the butt to sit in, especially if the weather is kind of iffy. So my days have been spent waking up to go to Mass, but not actually going (which to me feels like an epic fail Catholic style), no coffee (which my kidney is probablly partially thankful for), and I haven't been downtown since my last day of my internship last August ( frowny face times dos). I've think I've become addicted to awful reality tv on VH1, rewatched the first season of House for the 3rd time, started watching reruns of reruns of ER, and trying to finish the new Nicholos Sparks novel, which I just can't bring myself to finish...no matter how many times I pick up the book.
Ever since New Years the days have been going by slowly, which is not something I'm used to or ever will be used to. A typical day (at "Home") is: Get up, get ready for classes, go to classes, end classes, grab some food in there, head to the lib, study like a champ, have a snack, go to sleep and repeat. I keep myself so busy at school I'm usually not preoccupied. I like the rest I have been getting though, especially the sleep. If I had more time at school I would use it to nap.I'm sure there are alot of other people that feel the same way.
On a positive not I was able to hang out with my priest friend for a bit today, which is always a good time. I know it may sound wierd to some to have a friend that is a Roman Catholic priest, but he is probably one of my best friends, and is one of the most devout people I have ever met, not to mention one of the nicest people ever. What is so cool about my priest friend is that he is not afraid to show his holy side or his human side, it's a pretty amazing thing, and I think that is why I consider him to be one of my best friends.
When all is said and said...I'm ready to head back to my home, the campus that much my shagrin is covered in snow, and to the hospital by the bay that for some strange reason holds a special place in my heart, even though at times nursing wears me out.
Hearts, hugs, n'prayers forever and ever....

Let's Start the New Year Right

Okay, I know I've copied the title of my entry from the title song of Holiday Inn, but I couldn't help myself; me being the black and white Bing Crosby/Fred Aistaire warm and fuzzy best holiday movie of all time freak, but hey watch that movie and tell me you don't feel the same way. It's true though, why don't we start the New Year right? We all make crazy resolutions: some want to lose weight, some want to quit smoking or get rid of their coffee addiction. It seems that everyone is focused on their bad habits and how to get rid of them....some will keep their resolutions and keep off those five pounds or become smoke free...sadly and I am one of them, never keep their new years resolutions. I don't think my addictions are that bad, if you can call them addictions: I've cut back on the coffee due to some renal (kidney) problems I had during thanksgiving and during finals week and if studying could actually kill you, then I would have to cut back on that...but the things I start out, never stick...praying every day...not swearing as much...trying to stay positive...those seem to come crashing down around me sooner than I expected. So much for the New Year starting out right...
But what if instead of focusing on our bad habits, we try to live each day as it comes? Maybe we don't need that cigarrette every day or at the least every hour on the hour, maybe we don't always have to have dessert with our meal, and yes maybe we can even pull our face out of that book for an hour or two, just to be...well...human I guess...And that's what we are: HUMAN. Alot of the Saints were too, so I feel like we are in good company here. No matter what our flaws, no matter how many bad habits we have, it doesn't ultimately define who we are. Hate the sin and love the sinner...
A good friend of mine said that for the New Years we should listen to what we are called to be, and when we focus on that (which is essentially what God has planned for us) than what we are asked to do is easy, and even though what unknown hardships may come, we can keep the peace in our hearts of what we are called to do, and get through the messes, the upsets, and what else life may throw at us. It eventually will all work out, but perhaps in the way we didn't plan it.
Starting out the New Year right, for me at least is not going to promise to write in my blog every day (even though I thought about it), becasue I know that wouldn't come to be about, as far as the other things I thought to resolute, I threw them out the window, well I didn't actually throw them out the window, littering fines, don't ya know....I figured that each day as it comes is going to be different, and some may be more difficult than others, but eventuall the sun will set, I will shut my eyes, and fall asleep into the next morning...new day, new perspective, but keeping the peace in my heart and my soul...
When we finally realize what we are called to do...I can't even describe the feeling...it pushes everything else to the side, and we see what truly matters...and it's not yourself and it's not what the world deems correct, nor is the petty "drama" that can overwhelm us....9 chances out of 10 it is someone else or something else that we can hardly wrap our souls around, and we completley become enveloped in something surreal, that we have a hard time believing it is real...it's exciting and it's scarry as hell...
I wish everyone the happiest of New Years and please stay healthy, there's alot of sickness out there...I hope you find the peace you are or may not even know that you are searching for : )