The Seconds

I'm just going to come out and say it...its a freaking fantastic busy week. Its a week of seconds I suppose...
Lets start out with my favorite second in my life: my second home. In case you had any doubts my second home is infact the John M. Lilley Library, which is down hill from our tiny little apartment. I practically should donate money to it after I graduate, so they can name a shelf after me or something. I love the library, especially on days like today, when fall has finally arrived, and its grey, cloudy, and everything around you is completley saturated. As I slipped on my funky rain boots, well loved leather bomber jacket, and purchased my morning coffee today pre-Microbio lecture/lab, I took a whiff of that moist, dreary Erie air, and couldn't wait to visit my other home today. Go ahead and say it, I know you want to: NERD. Laugh if you must, I actually let out a chuckle or two, but there's something about fall in Erie and when it rains, the library is so warm and cozy. It's one of those rare moments where I actually can practically sit still for eight hours in one of those tall chairs and not break out every 5 minutes for a healthy dinner from the vending machine or call a friend on the phone, becasue I can't stand looking at another discription of some body organ or reading about the joys of bacteria. I get lost in the moment or rather my inner library world of studying and trying to comprhend meds, and various ways to take care of sick people. Secretly I LOVE every moment of it.
Yes it is one of those weeks where it's late nights and early mornings....I have abandoned my bed in exchange for the comfy couch in our living room. My fave blanket and pillow are sitting there and I greatly beckon the call at 3 in the morning, when I have to take a power nap or at the very least just close my eyes for a few brief moments to utter a prayer or two, which ends up leading to a somewhat deep sleep.
I'm never where I'm supposed to be I guess. Eating dinner in the apartement? Nope, you can probably catch me eating my packed dinner in the lib. Sleeping in me and Shannon's room? Nope check the living room. It's crazy, and stressful, but I don't mind. That's the thing I think I'm comming to realize. Sometimes you have to sacrafice the firsts in your life, maybe not completley, but at times in order to do what you want. Seconds may be in your life alot it seems, I'm sure you can think of some of your own. But when we live in these moments of late nights, skipped dinners, early mornings...there's a certain peace about it. You can feel a tug in your soul that screams HEY IM LIVING AND LOVING MY FREAKING LIFE! And even though in these second best moments, we may feel sadness because we're sacrificing a thing or two, somehow in the end, we catch a glimpse, even if it is just for a few breif moments that what we gave up, turned out in our favor, even if at first we didn't think it did. Okay...so back to the living room I go....
Hearts, hugs, n' prayers for ever kids....

The Best and the Worst

So huge cardiac exam today...didn't do as well as I thought...and didn't do as bad as I suspected...Turns out that scores are actually 10% higher that what orignally popped up in the end and the bonus exam might just push me towards the grade that I actually want to stay in range with...But still...I'm really angry at myself...I changed answers that I knew were right...I do it all the freaking time:second guess myself. My nursing mentor/instructor from last year always told me that I should never be afraid to have to wrong answer, but I shouldn't be afraid to have to right answer either. Being angry at yourself is the best and worst thing ever: you feel like crap, but you get this incredible drive...almost like you're high or something. Second guessing maybe my Achilles Heel to say the least, but maybe I know more than I give myself credit for, which brings up another topic.
I love to help people, always have and always will, but the thing that gets to me is when it's crunch time for an exam (aka the night before) it always so happens that I'm supposed to "school" people. I don't mind reviewing, hey it helps me too and bouncing off ideas off of each other is a great resource, but when someone hasn't started to review till the night before, it frustartes me. It makes me feel like they're sucking knowledge and enegry away, just to get through an exam, not to retain it for months or even years to come. Apparently the "reason" for my good grades, is not due to my intelligence, but do the fact that I study so much. I know I'm not the smartest one in the bunch, but when a comment like that is made, it kind of hurts. So then why do you seek me out for answers then? I never will brag about my grades...ever...I will never think I'm smarter than someone...ever...Everyone has potential. I just love to learn.
On another note...I miss my job greatly...being at clinical for two days a week doesn't even come close to what this past summer was like. It's hard being a student nurse again...I feel like I'm caught up in this college life/adult life situation, and I would much rather be in the adult life sometimes than stuck in college drama...but I do the best I can. I'm not an intern anymore, no matter how much I wish I could be....Anyway that's all for now...

Moments

In the moments when we feel weak, tired, sad, restless, alone, afraid, unsure, unsteady, shaken, broken...we shine. Our weaknesses are truly part of our strengths. We should never be afraid to make mistakes or mess up. We learn from them and at times we laugh at them. Never regret these moments ever.